Some thoughts about this week

It’s often easy to get lost in the online world and forget what the real world is like.

I’ve only crossed paths with a few people “IRL” since the shooting in Orlando (I work from home, so that happens a lot). But almost universally, the tone in their voice, the look in their eyes, the intensity with which they engage with the matter evokes that same feeling of despair, anger, frustration, sadness, and even exhaustion that I’ve been feeling over the last few days. This attack may have been on the LGBTQ community.  But all the straight/cisgendered people who have reached out to me to ask if I’m okay, and the others who I’ve seen come close to tears when even addressing the topic, have helped me feel that I’m, that we’re, not alone in this.

These days I get most of my news from the internet, plus CBC radio, and it’s been wall-to-wall coverage of this incident. I’ve never been one to demand trigger warnings, but this story is basically every trigger I could imagine all wrapped into one.  I’ve taken to actively avoiding both the internet and the radio because every time I think about the incident, and the insane reactions many people are having, I just really can’t deal with it. I shut down, I lose ability to focus, I get equally angry and depressed, and I just don’t want to deal with it.  I mean, I’m fine, and these are normal reactions, but I can only take so much of them in a day.  I do hope the endless news coverage will eventually turn up some much-needed answers, but every time I see a headline about a victim-blamer or gun lobbyist, or a photo collage of some of the many victims, I just want to turn off the internet and disappear into a cozy cave in the woods somewhere for awhile.

It becomes so easy to escape the real world and real emotions. My reaction to the endless stream of posts is “ugh, just stop. please. I can’t take it anymore.” I’m certain I’m not alone in this.  Having real conversations, with real people, in real life, has helped alleviate that… and also forces me to deal with it, at least in small doses. The fact that those people have been sharing the same emotions despite being primarily from outside my queer community has helped all the more. The good people out there outnumber the bad; of that I am certain.

I’m not entirely sure where this post is going, or if it’s even going anywhere. But if you’re wondering about my absence (on facebook, or elsewhere) when it comes to posts on this topic, it’s that I’m just so overwhelmed by it I don’t even know where to start. And to those of you feeling overwhelmed by it too, thanks for joining me in this headspace. We’ll all be okay. And as we become okay again, let’s solve these problems for good.

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Ben on 2016/06/15 at 2:23 pm

    I’ve been saying more on social media about this topic than I normally do; it’s an outlet for this pent-up fear and sadness.

    It doesn’t feel like enough.

    Reply

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